When To Stop Feeling Guilty, When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong

There are two emotions that can eat away at us for weeks, months or even years: guilt and remorse.

Now, if you’ve actually behaved in a way that has genuinely hurt someone, then I suspect these emotions are going to happen (and perhaps even warranted).

Otherwise, how will we ever learn from our mistakes?

However, when you are dealing with a high-conflict or narcissistic personality, then guilt is their go-to ammunition to target a ‘weak spot’.

Let me share with you a little story.

Jim had separated from his partner of 20 years. Jim and his ex-partner share a daughter together, and they have been separated for nearly three years.

At first, Jim reasoned with his ex’s feelings of anger and rage because he knew that leaving the relationship was incredibly painful for his former partner to process. It’s important to note that there’s nothing wrong with leaving a relationship that makes you immensely miserable. However, he could reason with her pain because within context, it made sense.

With a shared daughter between them, co-parenting was a surprising success. He expected it to be harder, more complex and combative, and potentially difficult to manage. However, nearly three years since their breakup, Jim finds himself receiving midnight text messages that shake and rattle him to his very core.

These text messages are filled with lists of everything wrong about Jim; how he is moving on with his future without her, how selfish and unreasonable he is, and why he deserves to never be happy.

I mean, wow!

How painful that must be to read, years after exiting the relationship.

Previously, Jim would apologise and agree with her statements. His guilt was so overwhelming that he didn’t realise that this emotional abuse was uncalled for, and immensely damaging. He had spent years being belittled.

Her words: the power. His reaction: her power.

Sadly, these texts still drop into Jim’s inbox, and rarely are they anything to do about co-parenting. Now, Jim reads them, takes a breath and taps into his self-worth, a place he needs to visit before any response is framed.

He responds politely, objectively and devoid of emotion. Essentially, Jim is tapping into his ‘grey rock’.

Sometimes he will write a full sentence, but most times, he finds a couple of words that halts the blame train before it even leaves the station. Sometimes, he will write a five paragraph email, in place of a face-to-face show-down.

It's an effort, and practice that Jim wishes he didn’t need to adopt. However, he understands that this future is in his control, and his daughter is relying upon him to do it a different way, whether she understands that or not.

This is not about ignoring an ex, or taking revenge. It’s about understanding the motivations behind a narcissist's actions.

And as I always say, “be better, not bitter”.

Jim is slowly regaining his worth, and taking back his life, one text at a time. He can do this, and so can you.