What’s the Actual Point?

n any form of communication, I always ask myself, “Mia, what is the end goal? What is the point you are trying to make? And, what is your ultimate destination?”

It’s hard not to get caught up in the details – especially when the situation is deeply personal and emotional. Have you ever been consumed over a sentence in an email, or a word in a text? As we know, any form of digital communication is devoid of emotion… or is it? Sure, we fill in the tone and the emotions into a neatly structured email or WhatsApp message. What we read, and how we “hear” the sender isn’t always exactly true. However, this doesn’t stop us getting wrapped up in the smallest of details.

So, what is your North Star in this process? This is your final destination with this person, and it is what will guide you when you are uncertain about what to do. For instance, are the best interests of your child(ren) at the core of any communication? Are you trying to get through the process as peacefully as possible? Are you wanting to achieve a fair financial settlement?

All fair, all incredibly powerful and purposeful “stars”.

A good destination has nothing to do with them, for example, “I want him to get what is coming to him”.

Whenever you get stuck, come back to your North Star. For example, are you saying ‘no’ to something just because they said no to you but it goes against your North Star?

Learn to see the ‘don'ts’ when coping with the impending impact of a narcissist.

And here’s how!

Don’t fall for the smile: Narcissists need to feel superior - power and control is a drug to them. Anything you share with narcissists may eventually be used to humiliate or manipulate you, particularly when you are most vulnerable or in need of help. Think carefully about what you reveal, especially in the heat of the moment.

Don’t expect empathy: Empathy is based on the assumption that others are worthy and deserve equal attention and compassion. Most importantly, empathy is based on the assumption that they actually can empathise with others. Does that sound like something a narcissist would believe? Their sense of entitlement leaves them feeling little interest in playing fair or reciprocating.

Don’t expect them to own their part: Narcissists love praise and deflect blame. They do not apologise or admit responsibility. For them, owning errors is a big ‘no, no’.. Seeking to get narcissists to be accountable for unhealthy behaviour can be a waste of time. Narcissists believe they have more rights than others and have little interest in introspection. They love to look at their achievements and will likely claim every accolade as their own.

Don’t try to justify or explain yourself: Narcissists often put others on the defensive with pointed questions or sarcasm, or may just look through you like you don’t exist. You are not at fault here - you don’t need to justify your feelings or explain your thoughts. The more you do, the more you feed their need for your attention and give them more information to manipulate you with.

Don’t minimise their outrageous behaviour: Narcissists’ self-absorbed behaviour can take up all the emotional oxygen in the room. Over time, people around narcissists may start to bargain with bad behaviour, justify their wrong-doings, and lessen their impact.

Do you want to end the cycle of unknowing?

Trust me, whilst communication is calculated, your heart is one step ahead!