A Narcissistic Parent

We, and when I say “we”, the entire internet more often than not, assumes that narcissistic dynamics interfere (to put it lightly) in romantic relationships only.

Wrong.

Sadly, clients of mine have been victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse from their parents. As a parent, I cannot fathom how this could happen. The impact of emotional abuse from a parent is nothing short of traumatic, brutal, and incredibly lonely.

Sure, parents absolutely have feelings but there is something under-hand, quietly sinister, and down-right cruel to project their “disappointed pain” onto you.

There are some standard yet confronting signs of narcissistic behaviour, however, when it comes to identifying narcissistic red flags of a parent - it can be a lot different. Spotting a sign of a narcissistic parent, when a child cannot always articulate for themselves, is very difficult, and also the confusion for a child to see and accept who their parent really is can be excruciating.

Uses/Lives through one’s child: Most parents want their children to succeed. Some narcissistic parents, however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the fulfilment of their own selfish needs and dreams.

Marginalisation: Some narcissistic parents are threatened by their offspring’s potential, promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem. Consequently, a narcissistic mother or father might make a concerted effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior.

Grandiosity and superiority: Many narcissistic parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about who they are and what they do. Often, individuals around the narcissist are not treated as human beings, but merely tools (objects) to be used for personal gain.

Superficial image: Closely related to grandiosity, many narcissistic parents love to show others how “special” they are. They enjoy publically parading what they consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring. They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.

Manipulation and guilt-tripping: Common forms of manipulation may look like guilt, blaming and shaming, and that love is given as a conditional reward, rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting. On the other hand, the withholding of love is used as a threat and punishment.

Inflexible and touchy: Certain narcissistic parents are highly rigid when it comes to the expected behaviours of their children. They regulate their offspring on minor details and can become upset when there’s deviation. Some narcissistic parents are also touchy and easily triggered.

Lack of empathy: One of the most common manifestations of a narcissistic father or mother is the inability to be mindful of the child’s own thoughts and feelings, and validate them as real and important. Only what the parent thinks and feels matters.

Dependency and codependency: Some narcissistic parents expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives. This type of dependency can be emotional, physical, and/or financial. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with taking care of older parents — it’s an admirable trait — the narcissistic parent typically manipulates an offspring into making unreasonable sacrifices, with little regard for the offspring’s own priorities and needs.

Jealousy and possessiveness: Since a narcissistic mother or father often hopes that the child will permanently dwell under the parent’s influence, she or he may become extremely jealous at any signs of the child’s growing maturity and independence.

Neglect: In some situations, a narcissistic parent may choose to focus primarily on her or his self-absorbing interests, which to the narcissist are more exciting than child-raising.

The child of a narcissistic parent must adhere to the parent’s agenda in order for their life to be stable. Asserting their own feelings or thoughts can lead to problems with the parent that might include anger, tears, or punishment.

Through this, the child learns that their feelings and thoughts are unimportant, invalid, and inconsequential, and will often stifle their own feelings in order to keep the peace at home.

The most important process for an adult remembering love through their parents eyes, is relearning love a different way.